and to Leah:

sorry i make you uncomfortable but i cant always just give you the little details. i dont know how to explain it to you and i got frustrated trying to explain to you that i cant explain it to you. i dont know why you listen to me i know you dont like it.

all you do is tell me how much you dont like him and i get it, i know hes a dick. when you ask me why i do this to myself i dont know how to fucking answer it because i dont know why! i dont fucking know! i dont know what you want me to say because im not going to say that i hate him too because i dont but im not going to say i love him because i dont want to put up with his shit but i do anyway. i know i shouldnt put up with him but i do because i dont fucking know why I JUST DONT KNOW.

the thought of him makes me so happy but then when hes a fucking asshole like wtf. leah im sorry about everything. ill stop telling you about it and ill stop telling you about my depression. ill stop it all. ill fake the happiness because i dont want to lose you because i know thats what is coming. you and liam can try all you want but i dont want to look like the fucking loser friend whose best friend and boyfriend try to hook up with a guy cause ill always be the 3rd wheel. 

im going to just stop. im not saying im gonna get the dirt for you every time you ask ( ;) lolol) because i am gonna have my days when i cant fake it for you, but ill try to stop being so depressed and ill stop telling you these kinds of things and ill stop telling you what he does or says. 

i love you and im sorry but i cant help it. i just cant. 

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